Nothing is wrong with you. You’re not broken and your sex drive isn’t gone for good. You’re having a common, normal reaction to sex in long-term relationships.

You can feel sexy, alive, and turned on again, not so he gets what he needs – but so you do.

▶ MY MOM’S BAD ADVICE NEARLY COST ME MY SEX DRIVE

I used to be wild. My free spirit was one of the reasons my ex-husband fell in love with me. I felt passionate and alive. 

But one marriage and two kids later I lost that passion… I had no clue what to do about it.

My early education in man-woman dynamics was seeing my mom swat my dad’s hand away when he tried to grab her butt. She was a product of the 1950s when “sexual fulfillment” meant how happy you made your husband.

“Keeping a man happy is easy,” she would say, “just feed him and give him sex and he’ll leave you alone.”

Give him sex – that was the first problem. I was taught sex is something he needs, akin to feeding him dinner. But what about women’s needs, emotionally and sexually? What about me? 

And he’ll leave you alone. 

Being left alone might have been the best a ’50s housewife could hope for. But I wanted much more from my intimate relationships – and if you’re reading this, you probably do, too. 

▶ BEING THE “GOOD PARTNER”

At first, my minor disinterest in sex wasn’t a big deal. I would gather myself together to be a good partner and put on the show.

“Let’s have fun getting this over with,” used to be my motto in sex.

It made him less grumpy, and the sex wasn’t terrible. Nothing disastrous happened… but neither did anything very interesting. He touched me too roughly and jumped into sex too quickly, but that was all men, right? We did it frequently enough to be normal. I thought this was good enough. 

But after a long day of kids and work, the last thing I needed was another person to take care of.

My husband and I stopped laughing or flirting. Small conversations turned strained immediately. I went to bed dreading that same fight about sex. I’d claim a headache and pray he didn’t ask me again for another week (or month). Sex felt like a chore, another item on my to-do list. I felt lost, anxious, and lonely. 

▶ A HAPPY ENDING WORTH HAVING

After my marriage ended, I spent a decade solving the puzzle of what had gone wrong in my marriage, which ended nothing like the fairy tale I’d pictured. 

Now I know: every woman can be the star in her sexual fairy tale. She can be that heroine claiming her pleasure, who feels giddy about her sex life and lit up by her relationship.

If you’re willing to start with Chapter 1 of your own heroic story of pleasure, I guarantee you can feel sexy and alive again – and you can do it with the partner you already have. 

Just know this: the plot twist in the first chapter might be messy.

The two signs that your sex life is not beyond repair are:

1. You’ve lost interest in sex altogether, or;
2. You’ve lost interest specifically in having sex with your partner.

▶ IF YOU’VE LOST YOUR SEX DRIVE, I SAY, “THANK GOD!” 

Most of us see losing interest in sex as a major problem and something to be embarrassed about. 

The truth is, losing interest means one thing only: you are fed up with “giving” your partner sex – with having it for his benefit. And your libido will stay hidden until you start having it for yours.

Sex as we know it was never designed for women’s pleasure and fulfillment. Your unmet needs are yelling at you in the loudest way they can – by shutting your sex drive down and saying, unequivocally, “This doesn’t work for me. I won’t do it anymore.” 

That’s why when a woman tells me she’s lost interest in sex, I say, “Good! Thank God.”

• Because you shouldn’t want something that isn’t arousing, inspiring, or replenishing for you.
• It’s normal to cringe when he touches you in ways you don’t love (and you don’t need to tolerate it).
• It’s healthy to lose interest in sex that doesn’t drench you with pleasure and release your worries.

Thank God you’ve lost interest in that! It means you’re ready to start having sex you truly enjoy, on your terms. I’m here to help take you there. 

Real Women’s Struggles

CAN YOU RELATE? 

“I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s amazing, I love him, and I want to be with him forever. But… it’s been a couple of years now that my sex drive and sex life have been weird. 

“I have developed a serious sexual aversion. I shut off when he starts kissing me because I know it’s going to lead to sex. I end up having sex I don’t want to have. I used to be very sexual, and I miss that part of myself. I don’t know how this started. I come up with all these scary theories like maybe he and I won’t make it because I’m just not into sex anymore…” 

– Stella, 25, Grade School Teacher

“We haven’t had sex in 2 years. I’m 75 years old. I don’t want to die without mastering sexual pleasure for myself and feeling turned on again. When sex stopped working, I felt hopeless—like I wasn’t a normal woman anymore. 

“I started to perform for him. But how could I receive anything if I was constantly trying to make him happy? I’m tired of blaming myself and thinking there’s something wrong with me.” 

– Michelle, 75, Retired 

“I notice that if my husband gives me that look or touches me in a certain way where I know he wants to have sex, a part of me just shuts down. It’s an exhausting experience to go through.

“I would love to have him come home from work, and for me to want to see him and touch him, and to want to have sex with him.”

– Sophia, 37, Accountant

“My partner has great hands and a good touch, and I could be happy right there… But instead, I know his touch is for a reason – because he wants something. I don’t soak it up the way I would if there was no agenda. When he’s massaging me or touching me, it feels like it comes with a price. It feels like I’ll have to pay for it later.”

– Ericka, 41, Mother and Business Owner

I have a Headache

by Bez Stone

“I have a headache,” really means…

• I don’t have the energy to perform right now. The show is over. 
• I don’t want to give you anything – I just want to receive and I feel guilty.
• I’m not in the best mood and I’m afraid you won’t like me.
• I feel so much pressure to have sex, I can’t even tell if I want it or not. 
• Once we start fooling around, I don’t know how to stop it. 
• There are unspoken feelings bottled up inside of me and I’m terrified to address them.
• Every time I ask for the touch I want, you don’t get what I mean. If I ask one more time and you don’t get it, it might break me. So instead, I’ll just say no. 

I know because I have a headache…