1. They are 100% at choice.

Once a relationship grows more serious – we get married, or have kids – it’s easy to start feeling less like we have choices.

But sexually satisfied couples know everything is optional – even the relationship itself. Embracing this, they approach each other sexually with reverence and respect.

OPPOSITE: “I have to,” or, “You owe me.”

2. They are each responsible for their personal pleasure and fulfillment.

Cultural norms about who should initiate sex are outdated. Expecting your partner to fix everything is unrealistic (and impossible).

Sexually empowered individuals know their sexuality is theirs to care for. They take personal responsibility for discovering how to reach their greatest fulfillment.

OPPOSITE: waiting for your partner to make a move or blaming them when your needs go unmet.  

3. They set the sex pressure at zero. 

Pressuring yourself to have sex is the #1 fastest way to lose your libido. Pressuring your partner for sex damages intimacy and is unsafe.

Sexually satisfied couples eliminate all expectations around sex. They use desire as their only compass for when and how they interact.

Note: setting the sex pressure at zero might concern you. “If we remove all the pressure, will we ever have sex again?!” This is a valid fear. I’ll help you find a better way. 

OPPOSITE: Having sex on a schedule (“It’s been a week…”) or based on how often is “normal.”

4. They offer ideas based on what they want or like

It’s pretty easy to know what we don’t like or want: “I’m not in the mood, don’t touch me like that, ew – gross,” etc.

But what do you like? And what do you want?

Sexually satisfied couples find ways to reach for each other based on what they want. They risk getting vulnerable and sharing their desires. 

OPPOSITE: Shutting down, complaining, or refusing to engage. 

5. They toss the script of what should or shouldn’t happen during sex.

Nothing makes it more difficult to orgasm (or get a hard-on, or get out of your head and into your body) than feeling like you have to. Sexual expectations set us up for failure. 

Sexually satisfied couples know nothing specific needs to happen during sex. They treat each sexual experience as a unique adventure into the unknown. Because of this attitude, intimacy is both safe and exciting. 

OPPOSITE: “Once we start kissing, we have to keep going,” or, “I need to orgasm for sex to go well.” 

6. They don’t get “in the mood” for sex – they have sex in the mood they’re already in.

The notion that we need to be “in the mood” to be sexual implies sex has a goal or agenda. That is sneaky Point A to Point B thinking masquerading as foreplay. (For this reason, I am against the notion of foreplay altogether.) 

Sexually empowered individuals willingly connect in a wide variety of moods and states. They are playful and creative in the face of the unknown. 

OPPOSITE: Performance anxiety, rejecting or hiding the vulnerable or darker parts of ourselves.

7. They feel without trying to make sense of it. 

Pleasure lives inside our bodies. Yet often in sex, we’re stuck in our heads judging how (or if) we’re feeling.

Are my desires normal? Is my cock big enough? Do I take too long to climax? Does this even feel good?

Sexually satisfied couples accept that sex is sometimes messy, awkward, or even painful. It can stir deep emotions that don’t make sense – that is part of its magic. They put their complete attention on their bodies during sex and simply feel what is occurring without trying to make sense of it. 

OPPOSITE: Worrying if our partner is happy, judging our experience as right or wrong, being stuck in our heads. 

8. They abandon tit-for-tat thinking.

Nowhere does tit-for-tat plague sex lives more than in oral sex. It’s almost an unspoken cultural rule that if he goes down on her, she has to go down on him, or vice versa. But this robs both the giver and receiver from enjoying themselves fully in either role.

Sexually satisfied individuals enjoy touching as much as being touched. They give for the joy of it, not to get something back. They don’t want reciprocity – they want connection.

OPPOSITE: Giving in hopes of getting what you gave, keeping score of who is giving or getting more. 

9. They welcome and celebrate change.

People fear being stuck in ruts. But when given the solution (which involves change), we fear that just as much.

Sexually satisfied couples know anything alive must change – and this includes relationships. They honor each other as ever-evolving beings and relish the fresh discovery possible during times of change.

OPPOSITE: Trying to regain the past, boxing each other into known roles, control. 

10. They are on the same team. 

Sexual problems often result in power struggles. I want this and you want that – who is going to get their way?

Sexually satisfied couples know there’s only one team – and they’re both on it. When sex isn’t working for one of them, it’s not working for either of them. They don’t aim to win, they aim to connect.

OPPOSITE: “My way or the highway,” or the counterpart – “My needs don’t matter” and martyrdom. 

Real Women’s Struggles

CAN YOU RELATE? 

“I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s amazing, I love him, and I want to be with him forever. But… it’s been a couple of years now that my sex drive and sex life have been weird. 

“I have developed a serious sexual aversion. I shut off when he starts kissing me because I know it’s going to lead to sex. I end up having sex I don’t want to have. I used to be very sexual, and I miss that part of myself. I don’t know how this started. I come up with all these scary theories like maybe he and I won’t make it because I’m just not into sex anymore…” 

– Stella, 25, Grade School Teacher

“We haven’t had sex in 2 years. I’m 75 years old. I don’t want to die without mastering sexual pleasure for myself and feeling turned on again. When sex stopped working, I felt hopeless—like I wasn’t a normal woman anymore. 

“I started to perform for him. But how could I receive anything if I was constantly trying to make him happy? I’m tired of blaming myself and thinking there’s something wrong with me.” 

– Michelle, 75, Retired 

“I notice that if my husband gives me that look or touches me in a certain way where I know he wants to have sex, a part of me just shuts down. It’s an exhausting experience to go through.

“I would love to have him come home from work, and for me to want to see him and touch him, and to want to have sex with him.”

– Sophia, 37, Accountant

“My partner has great hands and a good touch, and I could be happy right there… But instead, I know his touch is for a reason – because he wants something. I don’t soak it up the way I would if there was no agenda. When he’s massaging me or touching me, it feels like it comes with a price. It feels like I’ll have to pay for it later.”

– Ericka, 41, Mother and Business Owner

I have a Headache

by Bez Stone

“I have a headache,” really means…

• I don’t have the energy to perform right now. The show is over. 
• I don’t want to give you anything – I just want to receive and I feel guilty.
• I’m not in the best mood and I’m afraid you won’t like me.
• I feel so much pressure to have sex, I can’t even tell if I want it or not. 
• Once we start fooling around, I don’t know how to stop it. 
• There are unspoken feelings bottled up inside of me and I’m terrified to address them.
• Every time I ask for the touch I want, you don’t get what I mean. If I ask one more time and you don’t get it, it might break me. So instead, I’ll just say no. 

I know because I have a headache…