Infinite Sex

In sex and life, two biological forces are at work: our voluntary nervous system and our involuntary nervous system. These systems are essential for understanding orgasm and pleasure.

▶ THE VOLUNTARY NERVOUS SYSTEM = MASCULINE ORGASM

When we want to improve something about our lives, we tend to:

1. Set a goal.
2. Make plan.
3. Implement the plan.

We find a gym, create a workout routine, and repeatedly clock in. If we keep it up over time, we will reach our goal of getting in shape. 

This is our voluntary nervous system at work and it’s highly effective and important. We can use it to both get in shape and go grab a pint of ice cream from the freezer. (And this is why life is confusing.)

Our voluntary nervous system is responsible for masculine orgasm – that linear graph I first saw in 7th grade. Add friction (stroking, licking, fucking) to arousal and you feel pleasure. Do it long enough and you’ll pretty reliably reach orgasm. 

In masc orgasm and pleasure, you make it happen. It’s the active experience.

Example: Barring physical injury, you could decide right now to stand up. You might not want to, but you could make your legs move instantly at your command.

What’s incredible and useful about the masculine system: 

• You can set a goal and achieve it. 
• You can repeat what’s worked in the past and become masterful.
• You can exert healthy control to influence outcomes.

▶ THE INVOLUNTARY NERVOUS SYSTEM = FEMININE ORGASM

Our involuntary nervous system governs our primal, involuntary experiences like sleep, emotional responses, sweating, and—you guessed it—women’s sexual pleasure and orgasm.

For involuntary experiences, voluntary strategies don’t work.

Our involuntary responses operate outside of our control. And thank God! Without our involuntary nervous system, we’d be exhausted, overheated, and not breathing.

In feminine orgasm and pleasure, you create the conditions that let it happen. It’s the rest-and-digest system. 

Example: If I asked you to start sweating right now… could you do it? Or could you make yourself instantly fall asleep (or get an erection) on command? Nope, me neither. 

Because that’s not how our involuntary system works. We can’t directly control it.

Fulfillment and success for the involuntary system is to get out of the way and allow our bodies to take over. And this is exactly what’s required for women’s pleasure and orgasm. 

What’s incredible and useful about the feminine system: 

• It never happens the same way twice so it never gets boring.  
• It replenishes your energy.
• It’s about the journey, not the destination.

▶ WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR OUR SEX LIFE?

Most couples are using sexual strategies that backfire in unleashing women’s desire, enjoyment, and sexual fulfillment because that’s how we’ve been taught to have sex. 

But no one – men or women alike – can make women’s libidos, desires, or fulfillment happen. 

Working harder will not fix your sex life. 

You may be furrowing your brow and wondering, “If we can’t make it happen – then what do we do about it? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to help us with?”

Many couples approach me feeling frustrated and confused for this very reason. All of the methods and strategies they’ve used to revive her libido, bring her to orgasm, or find ultimate fulfillment have fallen short—and they have no idea why. 

They don’t realize most other sex advice and methods rely on the voluntary nervous system: follow these steps, try this position, or use these toys to reach your goal. These strategies might produce an orgasm (eventually) but they will never provide ultimate sexual fulfillment for women. 

As the saying goes, we need to work smarter – not harder. 

We must add the involuntary experience into our sex lives if we want ultimate fulfillment.  

Which leads to the two most essential words for women’s sexual fulfillment: 

Letting go.

When we let go of controlling or forcing our sexual experiences, our involuntary feminine system takes over.

• Letting go makes sex feel like a vacation instead of a chore.
• Letting go allows us to lose control and go wild with pleasure.
• Letting go takes us out of our minds and into our primal experience of sex. 

▶ THE SLEEP MODEL FOR BETTER SEX

Women’s uninhibited arousal, desire, and orgasm can not be generated by direct methods such as repeating what worked last time or going harder and faster. 

These attempts only add pressure that shuts women down and turns them off. 

We can’t force women’s arousal and orgasm. What we can do is create the conditions that make these involuntary experiences more likely to happen.

You may be thinking, “Create the conditions—what the heck does that mean?! ‘More likely to happen?’ Dear God, we’re never going to have sex again.”

Before you despair, I want to provide a real-life example that you succeed at every single night of your life: falling asleep. 

Remember a few paragraphs ago we agreed you couldn’t make yourself fall asleep on command? That it was instead something that happened outside of your control? 

The only way you have ever fallen asleep is by creating the conditions that make sleep likely to occur—and then allowing it to overtake you. 

There are a few basic conditions proven to signal the body it’s time for sleep. They are so basic, we take them for granted: 

• Being in a safe environment
• Dimming the lights
• Decreasing noise
• Becoming horizontal
• Closing our eyes

And what inhibits us from falling asleep? 

• Pressure or urgency around time
• Anxiety about whether we’ll be able to fall asleep or not
• Being distracted or stuck in our heads
• Being physically uncomfortable 

These are the exact same inhibitions that women experience in typical sex – inhibitions that prevent pleasure from unleashing.

▶ LET’S TAKE IT A STEP FURTHER

If you learned your colleague stood upright all night with the lights blaring and blasting music – and then seemed confused about why they had insomnia… you might gently suggest they get some mental help. Because no one in their right mind could fall asleep under such conditions! 

This is exactly how it sounds to me when women come to my office wondering why they aren’t turned on or enjoying sex. 

Honestly, if I started having the kind of sex I used to have – typical sex – I’d lose interest in it as well.

The good news is our involuntary systems know exactly how to connect, fill us with desire, and transport us to the deep, inspiring sexual landscapes of our dreams. 

We simply need to provide the proper conditions. Otherwise, our desire – which is an involuntary response – can’t come out.

Infinite Sex creates these conditions for our authentic interest in sex to reawaken. Our fulfillment skyrockets. We connect with our partners in a wide variety of ways and have more fun, ease, and exploration in our bedrooms. 

My coaching and couples courses will teach you exactly how to have it.